Parshat Hukkat: Poetic Commentary on Loss and Grief

This  week's parashah, Hukkat  (Bemidbar/Numbers 19:122:1),  begins with the description of the ritual slaughter of the red heifer by Eleazar the priest. The ashes of the heifer are then to be mixed together with water, hyssop, crimson thread and other ingredients in order to make a solution that will be used to purify those who have becometamei/ritually impure (for lack of a better translation) through contact with a corpse.

Following the description of the ritual slaughter of the red heifer, we read of the death of Miriam the prophet, sister of Moses and Aaron. Immediately following her death the people cry out to Moses that they have no water to drink This passage is most likely the origin of the ancient rabbinic legend of Miriam’s Well, that sustained the people through their years in the desert and dried up following Miriam’s death.

As the people cry out to the bereaved Moses and Aaron for water, God instructs them to speak to a rock in order to bring forth water. Instead, Moses and Aaron gather the people together and then Moses strikes the rock with his rod and water gushes forth. God then tells Moses and Aaron that because they did not trust in God and simply speak to the rock, neither of them will be able to enter the Promised Land.

Following this episode, we then read of Aaron’s death, for which the peoplemourn for thirty days. After the period of mourning ends, the people once again complain to Moses that they should not have been brought out of Egypt simply to die in the desert. God then sends a plague of snakes to attack the people. Only looking upon Moses’ staff, upon which he has placed a copper snake figure, can heal the wounds of the people. The Amorites and people of Bashan and Og then attack the people, but the Israelites are victorious.

This parashah is one of great loss for Moses. Not only does he lose his only siblings, but he also loses the right to enter the Promised Land at the end of the journey. Suddenly, Moses comes to realize how alone he is.

Though he has a wife and two sons (about whom we know very little) the two people who were his support during the journey, even when they might disagree, were now gone. On top of this, the people continue to complain, and do not allow him time to grieve for very long.

In this poetic commentary, I imagine how Moses might have felt at the moment when he was finally left alone by his complaining people and allowed to face his loss and his grief.

I dedicate this poem to the memory of my beloved father, Alvin Nathan z”l, whose tenth yahrtzeit (anniversary of his death) will be observed later this month, my grandfather, M.J. Waldman, whose 19th yahrtzeit is this month; I also want to remember my mother's sisters, Mickie Brown and Annette Goldreyer, as well my partner David's father, Steven Bauer, all of whom died within the past 14 months.  May their memories be a blessing.

Shabbat Shalom,

Steven

grieving waters

I

am alone

they

are gone

family

those I knew in egypt

            those I came to know as an adult

now

  in what seems a moment

      they are both gone

brother and sister

   no time to mourn him

       before she was gone

closing my eyes

I see water

         living waters

      life-giving waters

  death-cleansing waters

water bringing death to egypt

      water gushing from the rock

          water streaming down my face

two holes pierce my heart

   two wholes

             gone

       leaving me broken

 in pieces

                 alone

the people

do not understand

they only want

water

    food

         meat

            return to egypt

I do not understand

I want them

to leave me

alone

I want to mourn

                   I  want to wail  

          to tear at my hair  flesh  clothes

  to scream

     or simply to weep

in this moment

  I want to be

man brother son  human

             not

leader teacher emissary prophet

I wish

     to drown myself

         in waters of sorrow

emerging cleansed

              perhaps someday

miriam understood

     her name     bitter waters

    she knew the bitter and the sweet

prophet leader singer visionary

            jealous judgmental unyielding

      always passionate and caring

she received her reward

       waters of her well sustained us all

she received her punishment

        skin white as snow

cleansed only by isolation

    and bitter salt water tears

when she died the well dried up

     water ceased

       tears screams complaints

            in torrents

     from the people

 replacing its gentle flow

    we want

        we need

           more

               always more

God said to me   to aaron

      speak to the rock

         it will give you

what they think they need

still in mourning

I   we cannot talk

      to people or rock

I   we can only

          scream in silence

      strike the rock

   bringing forth living water

sealing  our fate   our death

now he is gone

    the one who was my voice to pharaoh

          with whom I could speak

              even after he had turned away from me

          angry jealous frustrated

only to turn return  and forgive

each other

no water can cleanse my grief

through eyes filled with anger  pain   isolation

     I see red

         heifer hyssop thread

              blood life death

      mixed with miriam’s water

 divine magic

        purifying those who

touch feel witness death

I cannot be purified

death has touched

not merely   my body

        but   my soul

    I thirst

for life

for water

for them

but there is nothing

to comfort me

I want to die

to be with them

    instead I must

be with the people

my people

        god’s people

until we reach the jordan’s waters

  only then will I finally rest

      only then can I be me

        brother son father husband

     no longer alone

dwelling with God

      with them

   our souls immersed

      in holy waters

         of the divine spirit

   God’s shekhinah

birthing me

         into new life

     together

   with them

  with all

at One

for eternity