Parshat Hukkat - Waters of Grief

This  week's parashah, Hukkat  (Bemidbar/Numbers 19:122:1),  begins with the description of the ritual slaughter of the red heifer by Eleazar the priest. The ashes of the heifer are then to be mixed together with water, hyssop, crimson thread and other ingredients in order to make a solution that will be used to purify those who have becometamei/ritually impure (for lack of a better translation) through contact with a corpse.

Following the description of the ritual slaughter of the red heifer, we read of the death of Miriam the prophet, sister of Moses and Aaron. Immediately following her death the people cry out to Moses that they have no water to drink This passage is most likely the origin of the ancient rabbinic legend of Miriam’s Well, that sustained the people through their years in the desert and dried up following Miriam’s death.

As the people cry out to the bereaved Moses and Aaron for water, God instructs them to speak to a rock in order to bring forth water. Instead, Moses and Aaron gather the people together and then Moses strikes the rock with his rod and water gushes forth. God then tells Moses and Aaron that because they did not trust in God and simply speak to the rock, neither of them will be able to enter the Promised Land.

Following this episode, we then read of Aaron’s death, for which the people mourn for thirty days. After the period of mourning ends, the people once again complain to Moses that they should not have been brought out of Egypt simply to die in the desert. God then sends a plague of snakes to attack the people. Only looking upon Moses’ staff, upon which he has placed a copper snake figure, can heal the wounds of the people. The Amorites and people of Bashan and Og then attack the people, but the Israelites are victorious.

This parashah is one of great loss for Moses. Not only does he lose his only siblings, but he also loses the right to enter the Promised Land at the end of the journey. Suddenly, Moses comes to realize how alone he is in the world.

Though he has a wife and two sons (about whom we know very little), the two people who were by his side during the journey, even when they may have disagreed, were now gone. On top of this, the people continue to complain, and do not allow him time to grieve.

In this poetic commentary, I imagine how Moses might have felt at the moment when he was finally left alone by his complaining people and allowed to face his loss and his grief.

I first published this poem on my blog and dedicated it to the memory of my beloved father, Alvin Nathan z”l, whose  yahrtzeit (anniversary of his death) will be observed later this month, and to my grandfather, M.J. Waldman, whose yahrtzeit was observed last month; I also dedicated it to my grandmother, Esther Waldman, my mother's sisters, Mickie Brown and Annette Goldreyer, as well my now ex-partner's  father, Steven Bauer, whom I truly felt was a part of my family, all of whom died during the year and a half prior to that post.  

Since then, other family members, friends and acquaintances, as well as so many others, have left this world.  I would like to take a moment to remember them as well. I especially want to remember my great aunt, Mildred Mittleman Cantor, who died having recently celebrated here 100th birthday.  I was blessed to have officiated at her funeral.  She was the last of her generation in my family.  And so the circle of life and death continues.  May all of their memories be a blessing.

The poem has changed slightly from it's original posting, but it's essence remains the same.

Shabbat Shalom,

Steven

grieving waters

I am alone

they are gone

my family

those I knew in egypt

            andthose I came to know as an adult

  in what seems a moment

brother and sister     both gone

   no time to mourn him

       before she was left this world

closing my eyes   I see water

         living waters

      life-giving waters

  death-cleansing waters

water bringing death to egypt

      water gushing from the rock

          water streaming down my face

two holes pierce my heart

   two wholes     gone

       leaving me broken

 in pieces                  alone

the people      do not understand

they only want

water   food    meat

            the false comforts of egypt

I simply  want them

to leave me   alone

I want to mourn

                   I  want to wail  

          to tear at my hair  flesh  clothes

  to scream

     or simply to weep

in this moment

  I want simply to be

man brother son  human
not  leader teacher emissary prophet 
but nothing in life is ever simple

I wish to drown myself

         in waters of sorrow

emerging cleansed

              perhaps someday

miriam understood

     her name meant bitter waters

    she knew the bitter and the sweet

prophet leader singer visionary

            jealous judgmental unyielding

      always passionate and caring

she received her punishment

        skin white as snow

cleansed only by isolation

    and bitter salt water tears

she received her reward

       waters of her well sustained us all

when she died water ceased

       tears screams complaints

            flowed in torrents

     from the people

 replacing its gentle flow

    they want

        they need  more

            nothing ever enough

God said to me   to aaron

      speak to the rock

         it will give you

what     they think     they need

still in mourning

I   we cannot talk

      to people or rock

I   we can only

          scream in silence

      strike the rock

   bringing forth living water

sealing  our fate   our death

now he too is gone

    the one who was my voice before pharaoh

          with whom I could always speak

              even after he had turned away from me

          angry jealous frustrated

only to turn return  
to forgive  each other

no water can cleanse my grief

through eyes filled with anger  pain   isolation

     I see red

         heifer hyssop thread

              blood life death

      mixed with miriam’s water

 divine magic

        purifying those who

touch  feel  witness     death

I cannot be purified

death has touched

not merely   my body

        but   my soul

    I thirst

for life    for water   for them

but nothing     can comfort me

I want to die

to be with them

    instead I must  be with the people

my people     no     God’s people

until we reach the jordan’s waters

  only then will I finally rest

      only then can I be me

        brother son father husband

     no longer alone

dwelling with God

      with them

 souls immersed   in holy waters

of the divine spirit         God’s shekhinah

birthing me

         into new life

     together

   with them

  with all

at One

for eternity